Oops!

So, I was messing around with the old blog, called It's a Vera Thing and accidently posted the new post tonight to it...sorry!  If you've never been over there to read some of my old stuff...well there is some new stuff over there now.  Let me know what you think ...I like this format better but I think I like that name better so...what to do?!  

A Year and a Half Later Update

Written August of 2016

It’s about time for me to embrace the lessons I’ve learned and walk my path.  It is about time for me to do what I’m good at which is to inspire and cause good people to think.  So, here I go…

Since Jim, my partner of 13.5 years died suddenly last year I’ve walked the normal path of grief, crying, moving forward and flat out lying about how I’m doing.  It’s easier just to say fine and then inappropriately tell complete strangers my whole story.

You see, the reality is that most people who love you dearly, have lives of their own to live.  At some point in time, the dinners stop, the phone becomes silent and you find yourself sitting in the dark with a bottle of Jack or in my case it was the leftover Blanton's.

 Yet the partners, widows and widowers, those left behind, are still breathing, we are still here on earth, we are ALIVE, thus there must be something that we are still supposed to accomplish.  There must be a life to live, a message to deliver, love to experience, kids and grand-kids to laugh with, hobbies that we once enjoyed still to be enjoyed…. maybe.  But for a time, we become someone different, we do not feel like ourselves, we don’t act like ourselves, we don’t eat, we do not enjoy the company of others yet we crave it.  We love the darkness and as the flickering shadows of the TV play across our faces, they highlight the impression left by the tears which like a river have poured from our eyes.

This is the great dichotomy of loss…. we must move on.  For some, it seems easy, they crawl out of the darkness, give a big shake and walk forward often telling everyone that they are fine, no, I’m alright. Yes, I’m sleeping just fine, no thanks you two go on to the movies.  Slowly, as the no thank yous stack up, our friends move on without us, they continue their lives wondering what they can do to help.  For those of us who grieve, no matter how good we appear to those around us, we are always just barely swimming.  Our floaties always feel like they are about to pop, thus sinking us beneath the waves of grief which come on like a storm without warning.  The waves are triggered by a song on the radio, a person we see on the street, an overheard comment or simply by looking at the sky and letting our minds wander.

So, it is with great discipline that we walk out that front door.  We put on the coat of normalcy every morning, cloth ourselves with a stiff upper lip, fill our ears with platitudes and try to keep away from anything which might hurt or anyone who might remind us of the who which is no longer there.

We all experience loss, all of us. None of us will get out of this life without walking through the door of death. Yet, it is always with such surprise that we greet the natural end of those whom we love.  For me, it was not so much his death as it was the suddenness.  One minute a force bigger than life, the next gone to somewhere that was not temporary.  We had been apart a lot in our time together so it was not unusual for me to wake up without him.  It was unusual that when I drove on a trip somewhere I was not able to call and have a long talk with him.  To this day, a year and a half later, I still catch myself thinking, “Oh I’ll just call Jim and ask him….” Or “I know how much he’d love that view, I’ll just call and tell him….” And then the cold hits me and I realize …. oh, that won’t be happening.

So, to those of you who have supported those in extreme loss…. bless you.  You are angels…it’s not easy loving us.  We push away, we argue, we cry at weird times, we get mad at you…we are not easy to live with and we will NEVER be the same person we were before our loss.  That I think is the hardest thing for all y’all to deal with. In a flash, who we were was gone almost as inexorably as our loved one who died. In fact, maybe we will, if given time and love and patience and food, become better.  Maybe we’ll realize that all things are if not good, they’re ok. Maybe we’ll figure out that we have new opportunities.  Maybe we’ll realize that for whatever reason our loved one is gone…maybe because their life would not have been what they wanted. Or maybe we’ll never understand but are brave enough to keep moving forward with hope and acceptance. 

Addendum:  May 5, 2020.  Truly, it would have been better if I had not waited 3.5 years to post this.  It would have helped many of you, my friends and loved ones, to understand what was going on.  But, it has taken me this long to acknowledge that, as I genuinely believe, we can’t hold onto the grief.  Not even a little of it.  Sometimes, we don’t even know where it is hiding, nor what it even looks like.  As, most of you know, I am completely back to normal.  I can talk about Jim with love and laughter.  I look forward in life and have ‘flown free’.  I have accomplished goals and am enjoying life immensely.  Imagine my surprise, when I took a 7-day writing course last week, to discover that to find my voice again, I had to dump the leftovers. There were still things that needed to be released.  Or maybe some of you may need to hear about the process I went through and see where you can go and who you can become, despite whatever you have lost.  I love you all, you know who you are, without you I would not be the me I am today. Thank you.

Photos copyright of VJ Hurst Creations 2020.  Not to be used without express permission of the artist.

Further Explanations

Hello again,

Remember I said that I was going to drag thoughts and verbiage out of the basement, sweep the attic of its cobwebs and let the light shine on all that was and has been in the last 5 years.  I think that it is important to release my words, no matter how repetitive, out into space.  Let them return to the ether where they came from originally with hope that in the future my mind will be filled with creative stuff again.  Wow, that sounds judgmental…I suppose it is and thus another reason to release all that was…and no longer is. 

I write all the time.  I produce an email newsletter, I write non-fiction for myself…I am supposed to be editing a friend’s manuscript and writing for another friend, doing research.  It has often felt like pulling teeth…and I’ve asked myself often, am I a writer, do I even like to write.  Without a dream, it is hard to be motivated.  Without motivation even when one must do something, it isn’t any fun.  Writing used to be fun, now it is often just something I do.  I’m tired of processing, I’d like to get back into my creative soul.  Or maybe, the time for fiction writing is over, I’ve thought to myself…but I still see beauty in the world and surely, the words, the desire to communicate how that feels and inspires is still in there somewhere.  No more excuses.  Although, there is wisdom for all in my story…I don’t need to be telling it over and over again.  With it out there, I can just point to my blog.

Over this week, there will be a dump of ‘stuff’, of words that I’ve written over the last couple of years as part of the process.  They may all sound the same.  I am sorry.  Each post was written a year or two apart, thus I am saying some thoughts over again, only with maybe a tiny bit more wisdom or understanding. 

Maybe these will assist, if not, that’s ok…my goal, as I stated above, is to just do a clean sweep of these thoughts and get them out of my space and into the world.  Just warning, ya….

Much love to all, people, creatures, thoughts and ideas…may they bring joy to the world.

All photos copyright of VJ Hurst Creations 2020 and may not be used without express permission of said company. 

Onward...Life after Grief...Applying lessons learned...Hello Again

  So, I didn’t continue to blog after all.  But since I am now going to give it another go…here I am.  I’ve been spending some time, lately, going over all the unfinished articles and musings that I’ve stored on my computer which I started after Jim died.  Much of this was written and unfinished because I simply couldn’t.  I’d get to a point and not be able to write anymore because the grief was too deep, or I simply couldn’t ‘touch’ that part of my soul yet.  

As life and time moved forward, I healed and learned a bunch of stuff about life and loss and grief and happiness.  It’s been five years; I’m doing what I know he’d want, flying free and living my life with purpose and intention.  Yet, in the midst of this, our society has been hit with a pandemic and our lives as we knew them disappeared instantly, it seemed.   

Despite our best desires for ourselves, we have had to put aside our hopes, aspirations and plans for the good of the whole.  Some are doing this well.  Some are doing it not at all.  Some are angry, sad and grieving.  Some are going on with their lives, some are protesting their right to live without constraint.  All of us have lost our lives or some part of our lives.  Whatever we are doing; we are all, now, grieving.
 

I’ve decided then, for what it’s worth, to pull out some of these past snippets of healing thoughts or musings about grief and loss that I wrote when I was in the thick of it.  Please do with them what you will.  Most will have nothing to do with the situation we are in now…it is just me thinking about then and how in the world was I going to return to some semblance of normal after the biggest loss of my life.  I may edit or add to some content for clarity, or so that you may know what my final conclusions were on that subject.  Maybe some of my insights can be applied to any loss or change that occurs in our lives now and into the future.  That will be for you to decide.

I am ‘normal’ again, now.  I am not the same, I am, in my humble opinion, better for having experienced that loss.  That may sound unkind to you, like I don’t miss him…that would be wrong.  Sometimes, still, the longing for him to be here hangs around me like an old coat that doesn’t fit me anymore…and I have to consider, why I am still wearing it.  What part of this am I revisiting or what reality do I still wish to live with/in?  Our loved ones do not want us to stay forever mourning their loss.  They want us to LIVE like they are not able to anymore.  They want us to recognize the moment and live like maybe there might not be any tomorrow. 

So, in the next weeks, I’ll be throwing out some stuff.  Leave me a comment if you’d like…head over to my Facebook page, VJ Hurst Creations and we can have a chat.  I’d love to hear your thoughts.  I might even write some new things about what I’ve learned.   If you don’t agree, be kind and let’s talk…not everyone’s experience is the same.  Know that our friends and family who die are forever with us even if it is just in our memories.

...and I did not stop taking pictures so I will throw in some of my favorites here and there.  All photos published in these blogs are copyrighted and may not be used in any form without my express permission.