A Year and a Half Later Update

Written August of 2016

It’s about time for me to embrace the lessons I’ve learned and walk my path.  It is about time for me to do what I’m good at which is to inspire and cause good people to think.  So, here I go…

Since Jim, my partner of 13.5 years died suddenly last year I’ve walked the normal path of grief, crying, moving forward and flat out lying about how I’m doing.  It’s easier just to say fine and then inappropriately tell complete strangers my whole story.

You see, the reality is that most people who love you dearly, have lives of their own to live.  At some point in time, the dinners stop, the phone becomes silent and you find yourself sitting in the dark with a bottle of Jack or in my case it was the leftover Blanton's.

 Yet the partners, widows and widowers, those left behind, are still breathing, we are still here on earth, we are ALIVE, thus there must be something that we are still supposed to accomplish.  There must be a life to live, a message to deliver, love to experience, kids and grand-kids to laugh with, hobbies that we once enjoyed still to be enjoyed…. maybe.  But for a time, we become someone different, we do not feel like ourselves, we don’t act like ourselves, we don’t eat, we do not enjoy the company of others yet we crave it.  We love the darkness and as the flickering shadows of the TV play across our faces, they highlight the impression left by the tears which like a river have poured from our eyes.

This is the great dichotomy of loss…. we must move on.  For some, it seems easy, they crawl out of the darkness, give a big shake and walk forward often telling everyone that they are fine, no, I’m alright. Yes, I’m sleeping just fine, no thanks you two go on to the movies.  Slowly, as the no thank yous stack up, our friends move on without us, they continue their lives wondering what they can do to help.  For those of us who grieve, no matter how good we appear to those around us, we are always just barely swimming.  Our floaties always feel like they are about to pop, thus sinking us beneath the waves of grief which come on like a storm without warning.  The waves are triggered by a song on the radio, a person we see on the street, an overheard comment or simply by looking at the sky and letting our minds wander.

So, it is with great discipline that we walk out that front door.  We put on the coat of normalcy every morning, cloth ourselves with a stiff upper lip, fill our ears with platitudes and try to keep away from anything which might hurt or anyone who might remind us of the who which is no longer there.

We all experience loss, all of us. None of us will get out of this life without walking through the door of death. Yet, it is always with such surprise that we greet the natural end of those whom we love.  For me, it was not so much his death as it was the suddenness.  One minute a force bigger than life, the next gone to somewhere that was not temporary.  We had been apart a lot in our time together so it was not unusual for me to wake up without him.  It was unusual that when I drove on a trip somewhere I was not able to call and have a long talk with him.  To this day, a year and a half later, I still catch myself thinking, “Oh I’ll just call Jim and ask him….” Or “I know how much he’d love that view, I’ll just call and tell him….” And then the cold hits me and I realize …. oh, that won’t be happening.

So, to those of you who have supported those in extreme loss…. bless you.  You are angels…it’s not easy loving us.  We push away, we argue, we cry at weird times, we get mad at you…we are not easy to live with and we will NEVER be the same person we were before our loss.  That I think is the hardest thing for all y’all to deal with. In a flash, who we were was gone almost as inexorably as our loved one who died. In fact, maybe we will, if given time and love and patience and food, become better.  Maybe we’ll realize that all things are if not good, they’re ok. Maybe we’ll figure out that we have new opportunities.  Maybe we’ll realize that for whatever reason our loved one is gone…maybe because their life would not have been what they wanted. Or maybe we’ll never understand but are brave enough to keep moving forward with hope and acceptance. 

Addendum:  May 5, 2020.  Truly, it would have been better if I had not waited 3.5 years to post this.  It would have helped many of you, my friends and loved ones, to understand what was going on.  But, it has taken me this long to acknowledge that, as I genuinely believe, we can’t hold onto the grief.  Not even a little of it.  Sometimes, we don’t even know where it is hiding, nor what it even looks like.  As, most of you know, I am completely back to normal.  I can talk about Jim with love and laughter.  I look forward in life and have ‘flown free’.  I have accomplished goals and am enjoying life immensely.  Imagine my surprise, when I took a 7-day writing course last week, to discover that to find my voice again, I had to dump the leftovers. There were still things that needed to be released.  Or maybe some of you may need to hear about the process I went through and see where you can go and who you can become, despite whatever you have lost.  I love you all, you know who you are, without you I would not be the me I am today. Thank you.

Photos copyright of VJ Hurst Creations 2020.  Not to be used without express permission of the artist.